I am no longer ashamed

I used to be so ashamed.

I believed the terrible things that others said about me. I believed that my past became my future. I believed I needed a college degree to prove my value. I believed I needed a man to love me in order to be whole. I believed I would never be good enough. I believed I would never be happy.

I would carry the weight of all of these beliefs and let them start to bury me.
Always in a different form, some months they buried me in excess weight added to my body…another layer or two or three of protection. Some weeks it was alcohol and drug-fueled night after night…escaping from and drowning out what I couldn't acknowledge. Some days it would be mean staying in bed, sobbing and feeling about to collapse under the shame.

When I recognized it was time for a change, I had so many expectations.
Change needed to come quickly. Powerfully. Measurably. And exactly as I demanded it should.

After many, many years of work - on unlearning, undoing, unraveling, and unpacking - have I finally started to truly see the fruits of my labor (as well as how far I still have to go). Today I am learning to speak my truth and tell my story. I am learning that through that comes the shedding of so many heavy, heavy layers of shame. I am learning that I can create a future for myself that is whatever I want it to be, regardless of my past. I have learned that, for me, the path didn’t require a college degree and that ‘higher education’ comes in so, so many forms. I learned to make myself whole first and found a love greater and more supportive than I have ever known.
I know am good enough.
I am no longer ashamed.
And I am happy.